The Things I'd Like People to Know About Aria

(This is what Michael spoke about at Aria's service)

There are some things that we would like people to know about our daughter. Here is some of what makes Aria’s life worth celebrating.

First, she was not an ugly baby. Both Aria and Bennett had surprisingly nice faces right after birth. Even though her face was obscured by tubes and tape, we could see just enough of her to know she was a cute kid. When the end came and we were able to see her face unencumbered by tubes and wires, we saw clearly how beautiful she really was. Lots of people have mentioned that they think she looks like me, but I think that’s crazy. She’s good looking. That means she takes after her mom.

She did not like clothes. Aria was at her happiest and most comfortable in the nude. There were only a handful of times that we were able to get her into clothes and be comfortable. This went to the extreme too. She had these little splints to help with her thumb placement, and she’d somehow shake herself out of them.

Related to the nudity, she liked getting baths. We couldn’t put her in a tub or anything, but we could use soap and warm water and towels. She seemed to really like getting her hair washed.

Her hair is her signature. It had been an old wives tale that when the mom has lots of heartburn during pregnancy that the baby would have hair when they are born, until some researchers at Johns Hopkins University actually did find a correlation between heartburn and babies with a full head of hair. Natasha had so much heartburn during Aria’s pregnancy, much more than I ever remember with Bennett, to the point where it was difficult to find foods to eat that didn’t bring heartburn consequences. Aria’s hair is actually something we saw in a 3-D ultrasound, so we were not surprised when she was born with a lot of hair.

Orange is her favorite color. I promise you that my Syracuse roots had nothing to do with that. It just worked out. Some of her best hair stuff had orange accents and that’s how things happened. I feel OK about that.

She liked to poop for Natasha. It actually got to the point where it was really funny. At one point when she was sick and having some digestive problems there was some concern about the size of her stomach. Natasha arrived for a visit, and within minutes Aria, shall we say, suddenly didn’t have a stomach of such concerning size. I think it was a compliment. Aria understood that it was safe to relax with mama there, and so… poop happened.

She is extremely tough. It was not a sure thing that Aria would survive her first night. Her lungs were underdeveloped, and the left ventricle of her heart was not working. With medication and breathing assistance her heart and lungs started functioning a little better, and early on her improvement was a miracle thanks to the combined power of modern medicine and prayer. She fought through a lot of other difficult health problems, which I won’t detail in this setting, but I want to acknowledge that her struggles didn’t come down to any one thing, but a variety of different issues. Her little body hung in there long enough to get us a chance to spend time together as a family. I think she knew that was important to us and used the little bit of strength her body had to keep herself calm and comfortable and let us enjoy being with her.

She always responded to her brother, and would often open her eyes whenever he visited her and spoke to her. My aunt Joyce mentioned that she thinks their spirits recognized each other from before they were born. I believe that’s true. There was a connection and show of affection from Bennett that we didn’t expect, and Aria always perked up a little when her brother was with her.

She was a very sweet baby. Babies that have tubes in their mouths can’t really cry, but Aria rarely fussed or showed signs of agitation beyond a funny grumpy face she would make when stretching. The nurses often commented that she was a calm baby, and that despite all of the treatments and handling and jostling she encountered that she acted gracefully.

The most important thing that I’ve come to know about our daughter is that Aria is a teacher. I was taught once that effective teaching produces change. Aria is an effective teacher. She has taught our family things that are changing our lives for the better.

- Aria taught me that there were more people that cared about us than I realized. Within minutes of posting an update to Facebook about what was happening in our lives a humbling number of people came forward to let us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us, and offering to help in any they could. You expect that from family and close friends, but it started to grow from there until every time we updated anything several hundred people would comment to lend support. It got to the point where we really had to dig back deep in to our memories to figure out who some of these people were. I remember thinking that one guy that took a big interest in things is a friend I hadn’t spoken to since elementary school. People are often cynical about causes and movements on social media, but people chiming in helped us to feel that we weren’t alone, and we welcomed anyone that wanted to say that they cared about Aria in even a small way. It didn’t stop at people saying they would pray or would think about us. Many of them really did help in other significant ways.

- So, the next thing that Aria taught me was to accept help. My wife and I have often taken pride in being people that can be relied on to pitch in when others are in need. Until now, we have viewed ourselves as people that serve, and not those to be served. With how Aria’s life came to be though, it became clear very quickly that we weren’t going to be able to make it on our own. We have received significant support from our families, our employers, old and new friends, and our new community. Before, I think we viewed ourselves as people that could handle things on our own, and now we see that our independence was very fragile, and once we needed help, it was there. When I think back on the different stages of life Natasha and I have shared, someone from every one of those stages has been there and done something meaningful to help us. Many people from before Natasha and I started our life together have also helped. In some way, Aria’s inclusion in our lives has tied all of the different parts of our lives together.

- Because of that new connection binding all of the parts of our lives, Aria started teaching me something about life and time and people that I’m still trying to figure out. Aria had this thing about timing. She was actually a surprise pregnancy, and happened a little bit before we were thinking we’d be ready for another child. She arrived more than a month early. We loved her immediately. Because of the hours spent driving to the hospital and sitting bedside, she provided us with lots of time to think, and lots of time where we didn’t want to think. Her mortal life was only 7 weeks, but I feel she will always be with us and her presence in our lives has changed us forever. We believe that after we die we will be reunited with her forever. There is something to this theme of time that Aria left me with that I don’t understand yet. I’m not sure I’m meant to figure it out yet. But she has me thinking about the nature of time and use of time and relationships with other people that I hadn’t considered before.

- Aria reminded me of how to listen to the spirit. When Aria was born and it looked like she might pass away her first night, my father in law and I gave her a name and a blessing. Normally that happens in a church meeting, but in this case it happened bedside at the NICU. Before giving the blessing, I wanted to tell her that she could go back to Heavenly Father and that her work was complete, but instead I felt prompted to bless her that as she lived she would do so without pain or discomfort, and that she would return to her Heavenly Father soon. That was not the first time that I had an idea of what to say before giving a blessing, and once giving the blessing felt it was right to say something different, but this was on another level because it was my own daughter and I wanted her to feel OK if she left us. But I didn’t think that it would be smart to try to bless her with something that didn’t feel right, and the spirit was clear to me that it wasn’t time for her to say goodbye quite yet. I think we needed that confirmation from the spirit at that time more than Aria.

- Aria taught me to love more. Thanks to Aria, there is so much more love in our family. I love my wife Natasha more. She has handled these challenges with such grace, and it has reminded me of how incredible a woman I married. I now enjoy a much closer relationship with my son Bennett. We have learned to rely on each other when before he was content to look to his mama for every need. I wouldn’t have expected a three year old to be a source of strength for adults, but his cheer and excitement have inspired us to continue to see the bright sides of life. He is a good little guy, and we could not ask for anything more from a son, and Aria has helped me to have a much stronger relationship as father and son with Bennett. He is a precious soul.

- Aria taught me that she accomplished everything that she was intended to do in this life, and that I have a lot more to do. Many people that heard her story now care a little more for their family members. Some people have been reminded how to pray. Some people have done just a little more to help someone in need. Some others feel more grateful for their health. She has obviously brought our family closer and has changed our lives for the better forever. I think the circumstances of Aria’s life have helped us all to think about what really matters, and she’s helped us to be better people for it.

Natasha and I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ accounts for children like Aria that are only on this earth for a short time. We all need to experience mortality and have a mortal body, but most of us also need to learn and grow and be challenged and overcome our weaknesses. The pure ones though, they’re allowed to teach us for a short time and are then called home. They set a standard of goodness and innocence for the rest of us to try to live up to. If we can live up to that standard, the Savior makes it possible for us to be together as a family again. Natasha and I already look forward to the time when we can hug our daughter again.

I know that Aria fulfilled the mission that she was given before coming to this earth. Sadly, we are close with another family that also lost an infant. When we spoke with them about how to handle the challenges and uncertainty we were facing, they told us that before their child passed they felt inspired to give their child a blessing, to help their child know that it was OK to return to Heavenly Father. On Aria’s last day, Natasha reminded me about that blessing, and asked if I could give Aria a similar blessing. This time during the blessing I felt at peace and knew that it was time to say goodbye. It was then that the Spirit confirmed to me it was now time to tell Aria that her work was complete, and that Heavenly Father and the Savior and many other family members and friends were waiting to greet her again on the other side. The blessing that I had wanted to give our daughter the first day of her life had come - she had done all that she was given to do, and her heavenly rewards awaited.    

I told my parents one day that Aria is a shooting star, because we knew her life would be short but her life had so much visibility to so many people. We’ve realized since then that she doesn’t have to be a shooting star. There are ways that we can help Aria to have a legacy of service.

During Aria’s short life, she and Natasha received exceptional care from many nurses. They are the unsung heroes in this story. We are hopeful that other families that encounter the challenges and loss that we have will receive the same level of care. In order to help ensure that care, we are currently working to establish an endowment for a scholarship fund for nursing students in Aria’s name. Once we have the details figured out, we’ll make an announcement and make this scholarship happen.

I want to thank you all for being here. We don’t know how to feel right now. We are crushed, but we feel so loved and supported. I hope that Natasha and Bennett and I are living up to Aria, and continue being better people because of our daughter. There are still times when we’re going to struggle, a lot. We still need your love and prayers. We also want to be there for you when you’re in need. I don’t think that any of us have a way to find happiness without each other. As hard as it is now, I don’t think Natasha and I had a way to happiness without Aria. Thank you all again for being here, and we pray that you are blessed for being the good people that you are, and I ask this blessing in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.