Aria's nurses

(I know I've talked a little about Aria's nurses before, but in light of the scholarship and KSL article I wanted to go into more detail.  It's taken me a week to write this post - not because I don't know what to say, but because I have too MUCH to say!  I could write 10 pages and still not be able to convey to you how much we love these ladies.  We owe them everything.)

These are Aria's primary nurses. . .or her "other mommies," as I've referred to them before.  Because it's true.  They spent just as many hours with her as I did during her life.  Gave her just as many baths. . .maybe more.  They were able to help her in ways that I couldn't.  Most importantly, they loved her fiercely.  They both asked to be a primary nurse for her because they had fallen for her sweet little spirit.  This meant so much to us because we had decided not to request a primary nurse for Aria - we knew how bad her prognosis was, and thought it would be unfair to ask a nurse to take that on.  But for them to make the request, even knowing there was no happy ending - that meant the world to us.

I knew Makenzie first - she started getting assigned to Aria a lot when she was first born.  Since Aria required a private nurse the first 3 weeks, when we would visit her we spent a lot of time just chatting with the nurse on duty.  So we spent a lot of time talking to Makenzie before she volunteered to be one of Aria's primary nurses.  Whenever we wanted to hold Aria, the nurses would have to page the respiratory therapist first so they could come help with the breathing tube in the transfer from crib to arms - I'll always remember how Makenzie would always cheerfully page the RT and say "hey, I have a baby in bed 6 and a mom here who would loooove to hold her!"  When she found out we were doing family pictures and I mentioned I didn't know what to do for Aria since she wasn't tolerating clothes at that point, Makenzie was the one who brought up the idea of a cute diaper cover.  Then she went one step farther and had her sister make one for me!  I will treasure it always.  I was touched when Makenzie requested to be a primary because I know how much she likes to snuggle with her babies, but when babies are on breathing tubes like Aria was, the nurses aren't supposed to move them around to rock and snuggle them.  So I knew how much Makenzie was giving up in this request.   She was very approachable - I always felt like I could talk to her about stuff without her judging me or the decisions we had to consider.  I was always worried about Makenzie because she'd only been working there for a year and didn't have much experience with working with terminal babies like Aria.  In fact, Aria was her first primary to pass away.  I was worried it would be too hard on her.  But Makenzie really handled everything great, I was so impressed.

Jamie kind of came out of nowhere a few weeks into Aria's life, but I'm so glad she did!  We walked in one evening during shift change and she was updating the nurse who was going to be on duty that night.  She was just so sweet and kind.  We liked her immediately, which was good since within 5 minutes of meeting her she told us she had requested to be Aria's primary nurse!  We were surprised but happy - Jamie had only had Aria for one shift before falling for her and making the request.  We couldn't even be mad that the whole reason we had shown up when we did was to help with bath night, but Jamie had already bathed Aria earlier just because she loves giving babies baths!  So cute.  Because Jamie mostly works days, and Makenzie still works a lot of nights, we ended up seeing Jamie a ton that last month.  She was so good at remembering details about our lives and, having older children herself, was great about offering support and encouragement when I would fret about having to constantly decide between my children since I could rarely have them in the same room together.  I came to absolutely rely on Jamie those last 3 weeks of Aria's life when we were making the decision to move her onto hospice care.  I don't want to say too much about that here.  But I'll just say that thanks to her nursing experience she was able to help us prepare for our Care Conference and other interactions with the doctors much better than we would have been able to do on our own.  Jamie had a great way of soothing my own fears while at the same time gently educating me better on the realities of Aria's problems and the types of decisions we were starting to have to make for her.  She was right there with us the entire day that Aria passed away, and I honestly don't think I would have been able to do it without her.  She cried right alongside us, then felt bad because she had said she would be the strong one for us.  But honestly it meant so much more for me to see those tears because I knew her love and grief for Aria was real.  Over the last couple weeks Jamie continues to text and check on me, even though Aria is no longer in her care!  Talk about above and beyond.

Makenzie was on shift too the day Aria passed, taking care of a different baby, but rushed in as soon as she heard Aria had passed.  She went so suddenly none of us had a chance to say a real last goodbye, and instead had to settle for cuddling her sweet little body afterward.  When Mike and I left the NICU that day, I gave my precious baby a last kiss and handed her to Jamie. . .I had always said that when Aria passed I wouldn't be able to handle it if I had to give her to a random nurse on duty (as great as they all are) - I could only bear to leave her by knowing I was leaving her with someone who loved her nearly as much as I did.  Jamie and Makenzie both stayed late that day so they could take turns finally snuggling Aria and taking care of some other things for her.  That evening I texted Jamie to "check in" on Aria for the first time ever - during her life, while I would often call the hospital just for an update, I had never called while Jamie or Makenzie were on shift because I absolutely knew that she was being taken care of with them.  And I've texted with both of them several times since Aria passed - because truth is, I miss them!  They have become just a huge part of our lives and will forever be part of Aria's story.  I knew they were taking care of Aria, but what I didn't realize was how much they were also taking care of ME until I no longer could just walk into the NICU and talk to them.  

We sure love these two.  Thank you for loving our Aria!