The Bennett Factor

I haven't talked too much about how Bennett is handling everything, so I thought I'd talk about that a little bit.  (update: ha! I didn't realize the novel I had written until I finished!  Sorry!)

Bennett's always been an independent, well-adjusted toddler, but right after Aria was born he developed some severe abandonment issues.  It's hardly surprising.  The day Aria was born, I dropped him off at my mom's and said "I'm just going to the doctor, I'll see you in an hour!"  Then both Mike and I basically disappeared for 4 days (me in recovery from the emergency csection, and Mike just bounced back and forth between my hospital and Aria's).  While my two sisters (who Bennett adores) were able to step in while we were gone, it wasn't consistent care since they had to keep trading off due to work and stuff.  Plus I hadn't had time to go through Bennett's schedules and routines with them, so while they did a great job, Bennett definitely felt the change.  Starting on Day 2, they would bring him to see me once a day.  But I was mostly bedridden so he would get bored after an hour or so and they'd take him home.  It was so sad to see him get a little worse each day.  

Finally I was discharged and Mike took me home only long enough to pick up Bennett.  Bennett was so giddy to have us at home again! We took him with us so I could finally meet Aria.  All was well until nighttime.  Suddenly my happy boy turned into a terrified, clingy, crying boy.  He refused to lose sight of us.  Finally Mike just took him to our bed and let him fall asleep in his arms.  But every time Mike started to move, Bennett would wake up and start screaming.  So Mike spent the whole night holding Bennett tight.

The next day was the same.  Bennett happily followed us around all day, but then when we had to go to the hospital without him he just melted into a puddle.  I tried and tried to reason with him but after half an hour finally had to just walk out the door while my in-laws held him screaming.  Any mama knows how awful that is to leave your child when they're sad.  I cried the whole way to the hospital.  I remember telling Michael that both my children really needed me but there was literally nothing I could do to fully give either of them what they needed.  It made me feel like such a failure.  Again that night Bennett screamed the second we tried to take him to his bed, so he spent another night in ours.

My third day home things finally started to improve.  It was a Sunday, so we could spend the entire day with Bennett and took him to the hospital with us.  That night I finally convinced Bennett to sleep in his bed!  Although he did get up several times during the night and I had to keep tucking him back in.

Things have continued to improve since then.  Aria was probably 3 weeks old before Bennett wouldn't have a meltdown when we tried to leave him with a babysitter - but we slowly could start leaving him with close family, then close friends, then finally new friends.  And the whole time Aria was alive we couldn't ever tell him that we were leaving him to go to the hospital, because he associated that with being abandoned and would freak out.  But if we lied and told him we were going to work then he was fine - he knew and was familiar with the idea of work and knew we always came home after work.  I felt bad lying to him but it was better for his peace of mind and allowed us to leave him happy instead of screaming.

Sleep-wise, Bennett hasn't had to START any more nights in our bed. He always falls asleep like normal in his own bed, but he sure wakes up in the night a lot more than he used to.  While Aria was alive I could just take him potty then tuck him back in and he'd go back to sleep.  After Aria died though he has snuck into our bed during the night at least 30% of the time.  So even though he didn't lose his parents when she died, the way he did when she was born, we know that her death has definitely had an impact of some kind on him because we can see subtle differences like that.  It's just such a change still because pre-Aria Bennett always slept in his own bed and always slept through the night.  During the days now though he seems pretty much back to his pre-Aria self, independent and well-adjusted.

Bennett doesn't talk about Aria much these days.  We know that he sure loved her.  He didn't care for her much when she was first born and just asleep all the time.  When she was almost a month old though she started to open her eyes a lot and be awake more and that's what made all the difference.  Bennett would go into the NICU and immediately hop up on a chair and start talking to her, and she'd always open her eyes for him which delighted him greatly.  Several times he would eagerly offer her a little toy or headband or some other trinket we had brought that previous to that moment he had sworn he wanted to keep for himself.

It's hard to know what his understanding of things are.  After all, he's never encountered death before.  He will repeat things we've told him before, like that she lives with Heavenly Father now instead of at the hospital, but he's little enough that he doesn't have a great understanding of what that means I think.  A few weeks ago, we had a counseling session with Child Life Therapy so that we could figure out how to prep him for Aria to pass.  In the days after she died we tried talking to him a few times about her but he would clam right up.  So we learned it was better just to mention her in casual conversation instead of turning it into a big thing.  He does still always bless her in his prayers, and is VERY possessive of her picture (from the funeral program) and the couple of stuffed animals we had for her.  He makes sure to keep them safe and doesn't let any other kids play with them.  

A couple days ago was the first time he really brought her up on his own.  We were just driving home from the store talking about other things, and out of nowhere he said something like "but did you know that Aria's doctors couldn't fix her so now she lives with Heavenly Father?"  I was surprised but tried to stay casual and said "that's right - only Heavenly Father could fix her so now she lives with Heavenly Father and she's all better."  He immediately said "no! I don't want her to be all better!"  I asked him why, and he said "I just want her to be sick with the doctors."  I was confused but mulled over this for a moment, then hit with inspiration asked him, "do you want her to be with the doctors so that we can see her again?" and he said "yes I want to see her!"  I, of course, immediately began to cry so I pulled over.  I unbuckled so that I could turn around better and said "Bennett, I want to see Aria again too.  I want you to know that I love Aria and I miss her very much, and it makes me sad that we can't see her anymore.  It's okay if you're sad too."  He was shocked to see the tears on my face and said "no mommy don't be sad!"  I tried to tell him that it's okay to be sad about Aria, but he wasn't sure what to think of that idea.

We try to keep Aria as much a part of our lives as we can with Bennett.  I just want to make sure that as time goes on, Bennett is ALWAYS aware of the fact that he has a baby sister that we love and that he will see again someday, even if he doesn't remember her (which is very possible given his age, which is the part that makes me saddest of all).  I've gotten in the habit of mentioning her several times a day in the course of casual conversation, both with Bennett and with others because I want everyone (not just Bennett) to feel like it's okay to still talk about her.  I do a lot better at this than Michael does but we are grieving differently and that's ok too.