Further from you

The more time passes, and the more things get back to "normal,"  the weirder I feel.  I just feel like every step toward normal is a step away from Aria.  Some of these steps happened before she had even passed.  Yet they're steps we have to take.

The first step was when I got my csection staples out.  Did you know that I didn't even get any new stretch marks from Aria, since she was delivered so early?  And my old set from Bennett is really quite faint by now, so I really don't mind them.  In a weird way, I'm glad I have a csection scar.  It's the only lasting physical mark I'll have from carrying her.

The next steps were my general recovery.  I had such a terrible pregnancy that even while I was in the hospital recovering I felt better than I had the entire pregnancy (csection pain aside, of course).  I remember eating dinner in my hospital bed, feeling so guilty for feeling so healthy finally while my baby girl was so sick in her own hospital bed an hour away.

We went back to work.  That was a huge step. . .it meant we weren't hiding at home together grieving anymore.  We had to get back out in the world where people expected things of us again.

The nursery. . .I set it up and had it painted the week before Aria was born.  It's going to have to come down eventually. . .we're going to have to sell all our baby gear eventually. . .but I haven't had the heart to do it yet.

My hair has already started the post-partum hair loss.  I was surprised because with Bennett I didn't start losing my hair until 3-4 months after birth.  So I chopped my hair off right away instead of waiting for it to get worse first.  While normally this wouldn't be a big deal, this means I can no longer sport what I've come to call "The Aria" hairstyle- twisted bangs and a fishtail, obviously not named for her hair but because it's the quick and easy hairstyle I've worn nearly every day since having her.  Never wore it like that before and now I can't do it anymore.  I know it sounds like such a silly little thing, but again it's just one more little thing that makes me feel like I'm being pulled further from her.

"The Aria"

As I've mentioned before, I'm not completely weaned from my milk supply yet.  While Aria was alive, she was only able to take a small amount of the milk I was pumping.  Really, I could have stopped pumping after 3 weeks and we would have never run out of her milk storage.  But even toward the end of her life, when we knew she wasn't going to live much longer, I was unwilling to start the weaning process because I just felt like that would be giving up on her.  Then when she passed, I decided to wait a week to start weaning so that I wasn't dealing with the initial grieving process and weaning hormones at the same time.  And now. . .I don't know.  I'm dragging my feet, for sure.  I'm weaning myself, just probably a lot slower than I need to.  It's just kind of nice that for right now, no matter how busy or distracted I am in the day, there are a few times that I am forced to put everything else aside for 20 minutes and just sit and pump and think about my baby.  Just like with a regular newborn, you know?

It's just that these are some of the last signs that I've just had a baby and once these are gone. . .life is too outwardly normal again.